Why do people cheat?

Faithfulness to me describes a relationship (in my own definition) between lovers or spouses. Temptation, lust and dissatisfaction are the contributing factors to the behaviors of being unfaithful or committing adultery.

There are instances whereby I’ve met people who are unfaithful to their spouses but they’re still loyal to their families.

Confused? Let me explain.

These people, despite making huge mistakes on fidelity, when shit hits the fan, like economic turmoil, family emergency, death and illness, most of them will still stay behind and not abandon their families. Instead, they’ll choose their spouses and families over the one that they’re having an affair with.

Do you think it’s fair?

In all fairness, it really isn’t whether it’s fair or not. It’s just what they felt was the right thing to do, to step up and carry out their responsibility to make sure that everyone is taken cared for on top of them being unfaithful.

Maybe it’s conscience kicking in , thinking that since they’re already not doing the “right thing” behind their spouses backs, this is a way how they feel they could redeem themselves. If ever that could be redeemable.

Relax… this is a very natural and expected reaction. Especially if the cheater is a male. He would have the tendency to protect and provide for his family, no matter what the circumstance. Of course, I’m saying “most” of them, not all.

There are some who choose to run and live cowardly lives hidden behind a lie and the fear of losing the perks of being with their concubines. This goes for women too by the way. There are a small handful of them that despite being a mother, they choose to abandon their families at a great cost. So this is not gender bias. Both sides are capable of doing dirt.

So why do they behave this way?

Reading time : 10mins 15s

Family the Familiar

There’s always a floating memory in the back of our minds, something scarring happened in their past, a habit that we learned from our parents or the people we hung out with. This automatically inputs as information and most times it sticks and it creates this internal script that moulds us into someone we subconsciously chose.

Image: Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas

It develops itself into our Character.

That’s why they have this saying, ” The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” .

The Devil-ed Egg

There’s also the case of lust and temptation. This is of course linked to dissatisfaction. You know it’s easy for us to blame someone for following their natural instincts when they’re being ignored by their spouses.

Neglected when they ask for s-e-x. Never uttering the words ” I love you”. Or a partner that is always on their backs, making them despise their empty lives. Lives that need to be filled with love and attention.

Image: W R

People question themselves about that person’s morality, religious faith and so much more on why they cheated. But did you ever put yourself in the other party’s position? What happened to them that caused all this despair and desperation? What made them have the audacity to commit such acts ? Was there anyone to listen to them? Was it that nobody showed support for what they wanted to pursue? Asking these questions are like what a defense lawyer would ask a jury. There are reasons to why and how a crime or in this case, an act of moral conviction is committed.

Both parties are usually at fault when it comes to fidelity. The cheater for not keeping it together and the partner or spouse for contributing to the dissatisfactory relationship. Screaming and shouting, scolding and blaming them for every little thing that goes wrong in their lives. Having to wake up and come home to a monster of a man or woman on the daily.
Did anyone ever questioned that?

Committing adultery is never right. But being the wind that fans the flames is just as bad.

The Constantly Diseased

Now how about “good people” ? The ones who were the perfect spouse/partner? Who seeks justice for them ? They did all their due diligence. They’re loving, always supportive, always giving their full attention. The almost perfect spouse. So who’s fault is that then?

Definitely, the committed.

The one that has their life messed up with the confusion of what they really want for themselves. The one that has grown this cancerous character into the disease it has become, repetitively answering to the call of their sickness. And the troubled soul that has roped in everyone who cares about them into a stew of lies and betrayal. There is no escape to the consequences they’re going to face, both here on earth and the hereafter.

The only way is to redeem themselves in whatever way they know how. Know the mistake, admit to it and do whatever’s left of their lives to make it right. Make a change. Turn a new leaf as they say. It’s not too late, even if they say so.

Look, here’s the bottom line.

Image: Valeria Boltneva

People cheat because they have sucky marriages or relationships. They also cheat because they have an addiction they’re not treated or checked for. They get an adrenaline rush from sneaking around. Or they don’t know how to leave an unhappy marriage and just walk out. So they survive by getting love from somewhere else before they end up committing suicide or worst, committing murder.

They do it because of vengeance, or a really bad habit of continuously being unfaithful. They get a thrill by not getting caught, leading two different lives like a top secret government agent. They could also just be complete jerks, stringing along their innocent naive partners on a sick demented game. Or they could be victims of an unbalanced and miserable love life.

These reasons whether it is yours or not, whichever it is, will eventually eat away at you if you don’t find a cure, a solution or the will to stop.

We’re not here to place judgement or say who is deserving of what. This is life in all its complexities and when you understand the reasoning behind it, whether you as the victim or the committed , life can begin to make more sense.

Recognise which one it is, sit down and discuss like two calm human beings. You don’t belong to each other, no one does but you must have mutual respect and do your best to understand. It’s ok to disagree. Please do if you feel it’s unreasonable and not justified. You have every right to. Don’t argue, just talk. Use your words.

We can’t undo what has been done but we can find ways to make amends, move on and forgive. Find a path to better pastures, better decisions.

It’s not easy, nothing ever is. It’s through the hardship that we find the light in the darkness. Without trials and tribulations to test our faith, we might never get a chance to ever feel true love or to experience extreme pain through heartbreak. That which makes us feel, makes us human and makes us wise. It is all a learning phase, the steps to our awakening.

We are all spiritual beings on this universal plain, and we are all here to learn, to teach, to guide. This life that consists of other spiritual beings that we too have to care for.

What we do with our lifetime like how we love or hurt others is an integral part of that little time we have in this form we are given.

Wouldn’t you want to live a fulfilling and happy one? Making not only yourself happy, but others happy too?

Image: Ralph Rabago

Always take a step back, give yourself a thirty second lapse time to reflect on what you’re about to do. And if you still feel that you are able to be accountable then carry on. If you feel that you can admit to your mistakes when questioned and be a man ( or woman ) about it, then by all means.

But if you know that you’re about to lie about what you did when interrogated, especially just to save your credibility and face value, then I suggest not. That would be cowardice and for having such bravado to conduct yourself ashamedly and daring enough to absurdly hurt others, you should have the courage to admit to your mistakes.

Yes, I’m talking about you. Oh you know who you are. The seriousness of what you did is beyond all the horrible words that I can muster in the dictionary. Just like many others, I keep asking myself what did I ever do that was so horrible that you had to do that to me, a total stranger and to many other woman, I later found out. You didn’t have to say you’re single when you’re actually engaged, right ? It’s cruel and and … oh all these words doesn’t come close to describing the experience. And you’re a serial offender. Which is so unbecoming of an officer of the law ( Oh, just a heads up, just because they have a noble occupation doesn’t mean they’re loyal, faithful or honest, be aware of this, its across the board. )

Take it from me, I have been cheated on, lied to and also been the cheater myself. The difference is, I only do that when I know the relationship is coming to the inevitable end or when my partner is not up to par and is doing all he can to screw things up. I know it’s not an excuse, this is my reason. I always make my partner aware that if they continue being a bad partner or not showing love or being difficult in our day to day lives that I will eventually find qualities somewhere else. Oh it’s not a threat, it’s a heads up that you’re pushing me and you will be the cause that this relationship is ruined, not me. I did everything in the book and then some, for years and years trying to work this out with you.

So don’t tell me I didn’t warn you prior. My partner needs to understand that despite doing my best to work things out, going to counselling , talking to your parents or whoever to get us back to similar grounds, if you still don’t change after all that jazz and you still refuse to show me love, respect and attention, that I will inevitably cheat on you and then leave you shortly after. Or just leave you altogether, if it warrants an immediate termination. Unless you do something major to change that reality. This has been my disclaimer from day one. Cos I know what kind of partner I am. I and many others can vouch for it. I’m a full on, all -in, ride and die till the end kind of love. Treat you like a King kind and in all aspects of Royal treatment. With you in your hobbies, always together everyday but also give you some alone time when you need some. Show you love in all ways kind. Taking care of kids, being a mum, cook and clean but also the brains and brawn of the family kind. Yup. Just putting that out there before you go all Judge Judy on me.

I will never cheat on an excellent partner who has all the good traits and qualities. That’ll just be ridiculous to take something so good for granted. It’ll be stupid and idiotic. Judge me how you want but I don’t do things for no rhyme or reason. I don’t do things blindly and without thought. 99% of the time I always have reason.

When a friend comes up to me to ask what they should do, I’ll ask them a few questions.

If you’re the victim, I’ll ask if you did anything to cause this infidelity? Like do you bond well, do you guys have sex often or never? Do you ignore your partner or are abusive in anyway, physical or verbal ? Have you done something deliberately to create pent up anger and frustration in your partner? Do you share the same hobbies or whether you’re like strangers who sleep together, share a room but never talk? You don’t connect at any level anymore etc? Do you support, compliment or show love to your partner or are you “busy” with life, children, work etc or any other excuses, sorry… reasons.

If you’re the one who committed the indecent act, then I’ll ask, how often do you do this ? Is it just one man/woman or multiple partners across long periods of time? Does any of your parents reflect this behavior? What lack does your partner have that made you feel you had to find attention and love somewhere else? Do you feel it’s a mistake and it’s a one time thing? Do you feel regret or you feel that this act is just a phase or something minor? Are you currently in love with this new partner? What guarantees do you think your new partner can provide that your current partner can’t? Do you feel you have the will to stop if you say this could be an illness? How remorseful are you? How much do you feel that leaving your current partner would benefit and expand your life ten folds? Are you currently anxious, unhappy and frustrated multiple times a week? Do you argue often and what is it about usually? Do you see yourself doing this yet again if given the opportunity to? Would you want your kids and partner to suffer from your unfaithfulness ? Who do you care more about ?

There are of course, more in-depth questions for both the cheater and the cheated on. I deal with it on a case to case basis when friends ask me. The magic of solving this mystery is knowing “Why?” Once you know the why, the groundwork from there will be easier and everyone can eventually move on by cutting the cord or find an amicable solution .

So sometimes doing the right thing, isn’t doing the “right thing”. All I’m saying is, everything depends on a case to case basis. Whichever the angle of the perspective is. Sometimes a divorce is a good thing cos some people don’t do well as a couple. Sometimes you’ve found someone who is more compatible in terms of teamwork and unity compared to an always disapproving spouse. Sometimes cutting the source of the pain like a constantly unfaithful partner is better than to keep a bad example around. It’s going nowhere anyway so why try so hard to keep a repeat offender. There is so much choices out there people, don’t be afraid to venture back into the dating system. As long as you’re able to recognise the red flags and don’t go back to attracting similar people like your ex.

All in all, if there is space for improvement , if there is still a tiny spark that can be ignited and love that still can be salvaged, please do. Especially if you have children. The collateral might be too damaging for them, unless they’re much older and able to comprehend all the drama. Or if you and your spouse can come to an agreement to go separate ways and still remain an intact family unit with some arrangements, then do it. At least both parties can be happy and live full lives being with someone they actually love and care. Don’t do the deed, if you aren’t able to face the consequences of your actions or if you can’t find the will to stop ( that is if you still plan on staying with your current partner) ~ you must stop at some point, soon. And don’t easily believe the seductive lures of the one that’s trying to influence you to cheat. They always make it sound normal or ok. Words like “This isn’t cheating.” or ” Are you sure you don’t want to?” , “I’m sure we can make this work.” “There’s no one else but you.” Yeah… that’s what it sounds like, so beware. That’s the danger zone.

Red flag.

So work things out as far as possible. Don’t be selfish when it comes to demands. Be a reasonable adult. Come to a clear and workable agreement. If you have any doubts about the arrangement, be honest and state your concerns. The other party must do your best to respect the other parties concerns as well. Everything is figure-outable as Marie Forleo’s mum would say.

Resist from arguing, talk as per how you would want to sign a peace treaty. Know the why and work it out. Either cut the cord or rebuild a home peacefully with sincerity and honesty.

All the best!


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